Dating for Next Year: The AFC North

Football season is about more than looking for a champion team to follow. For many out there, it’s about looking for love. You’re just as likely to discover your future soul mate grilling brats over a charcoal fire pit and arguing about the elite-ness of Joe Flacco as you are trading sibling counts and hometowns over a bottle of wine at a fancy restaurant. Don’t look at the Muni Lot as a gathering of degenerates using the Browns as an excuse to drink all day, but as your NFL scouting combine for potential significant others — and that girl who insulted your brother’s throwing motion just ran a 4.3 to the top of your draft board.

But finding a true love can be difficult. This person needs to be even more reliable than your team’s starting quarterback, and it’s been damn near impossible for the Browns to find someone to do that. Sure, we’d all like to meet a fellow Browns fan that we find physically attractive who also tolerates our … we’ll go with “charming” sense of humor. But some of us need to cast the aim of Cupid’s arrow a little wider.

Lucky for you eligible bachelors and bachelorettes loyal to the Cleveland Browns, Waiting For Next Year is here to help. We’ve surveyed the online dating scene to find the most eligible singles from each fan base in the AFC North, and are reporting the results back to you — because we care.

You might be asking yourself, “Why not include every NFL and college team, instead of just the AFC North?” Well, we’re not experts on every fan base in football, and you’re never going to shack up with a Dolphins or Cowboys fan. That’s just ridiculous.

Dan

Favorite Team: Pittsburgh Steelers

Greatest Achievement: Punching a West Virginia Mountaineers fan during the Backyard Brawl in 2007.

Favorite Colors: Mustard Yellow, Camouflage

Can’t Live Without: His Terrible Towel, which he slept with until he was 19 … and still does, sometimes. But only after a disheartening loss. Or during the playoffs. Or when he’s gwumpy and needs a nap.

Perfect Date Night: Splitting a Steubenville-style pizza while discussing a shared hatred for Ohio State (excluding the five current Steelers who attended Ohio State).

Ideal Woman: Someone who “bleeds black and gold,” just like him. Tats are OK (he has a crucifix on his back right shoulder with what he was told says “Love” and “Honor” in Latin). Vaping is a plus.

Dan’s an agreeable enough fella if you disregard that his fandom for the Pittsburgh Steelers is utterly nauseating, as is the oversized Steelers decal on the tailgate of his red Chevy Silverado. Dan does not find Steelers great Mike Webster’s post-career dementia and subsequent death troubling or problematic in the slightest. He thinks it best not to ask too many questions, such as about what goes on in college bar bathrooms. He thinks his grandfather’s continual criticisms of Mike Tomlin are vaguely racist.

Dan thinks “toughness” is the only ingredient necessary for a winning football team. Dan boasts that Steelers fans are gritty and rugged (after all, his father worked in a steel mill), but he works in H.R. for Dick’s Sporting Goods. He always refers to Ben Roethlisberger as “Ben,” as in, “Come on, Ben, you got this!” He views the Baltimore Ravens as the Steelers’ biggest rival, and unnecessary roughness penalties as the biggest threat to the future of football. Dan thinks Luke Bryan’s Crash My Party is the crowning American artistic achievement since The Deer Hunter.

Hayley (or is it Hayleigh?)

Favorite Team: Pittsburgh Steelers

Prized Possession: A pink Jerome Bettis jersey, which he once autographed while standing outside of an actual bus

Perfect Date Night: Primanti Brothers and tall boys, preferably with a tall boy

Ideal Man: Would be totally up for getting those “Together Since 2015” jerseys made

Hayley might be an Ohio girl, but her undying love for the Pittsburgh Steelers has been steadfast her whole life. It’s in her blood, she argues, because her mom and dad raised her to love all things related to their hometown, the Iron City. She intends to do the same with her own kids someday, regardless of what fan base their dad belongs to and regardless of the fact that she grew up in Ohio. She knows given the option, her children would choose to root for the Steelers over the Browns because, well, you know. (Sorry she’s not sorry.)

Hayley has had Taylor Swift’s 1989 CD in her car stereo since the day she bought it—a year ago. She doesn’t “get” the Ryan Adams version of the album and misses the days when Mandy Moore was best known for A Walk to Remember. She firmly believes that French fries belong on your sandwich and that “Big Ben” is genuinely a good guy. She switched to Head & Shoulders because Troy Polamalu told her to.

Hayley drafted Le’Veon Bell first in her office fantasy football league and immediately named her team “Saved by the Bell,” because obviously. She’s a receptionist at a dentist’s office and is totally planning on taking Dr. Farber down this year. She doesn’t know much about baseball, but she thinks Andrew McCutchen seems “really cool.” She thinks it’s weird the way most Steelers fans say “yinz.”

John Fitzgerald

Favorite Team: Baltimore Ravens

Greatest Achievement: Being elected president of his Sigma Chi chapter at Towson.

Family Pastimes: Sailing, breeding

Favorite Football Player: Ray Lewis

Perfect Date Night: A nice dinner where the main topics of conversation are how hard it is to get a reservation at that restaurant, and how Baltimore didn’t really steal the Browns from Cleveland because Indianapolis stole the Colts from Baltimore first.

John Fitzgerald (his friends call him “Fitzy”) grew up not far outside Baltimore, where he attended private school from preschool through his senior year. He played lacrosse in high school, because his school’s football team wasn’t very good. John became a devoted Ravens fan sometime in 2000, which coincidentally predates the Ravens’ AFC and Super Bowl championships by about three-and-a-half months. Since the Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII, John has argued that Joe Flacco is a better big game quarterback than Joe Montana or Tom Brady. John has a nice watch. Most of John’s friends from the Midwest describe him as “aggressive” and “a little over the top.” He doesn’t “get” the word “chill.”

John currently lives in New York City, where he is an investment banker. During summer weekends, he dresses like he’s on a golf course, even when he’s not. During the winter, he dresses like he’s on a ski slope, even when he’s not. His family has a house on the Chesapeake Bay. John considers himself an opportunist. He likes calling opposing teams’ fans a certain part of the female anatomy. He thinks Art Modell is an honorable man.

Katie

Favorite Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Earliest Sports Memory: Crying after the Bengals lost Super Bowl XXIII to the San Francisco 49ers.

Ideal Man: Knows how to do the Ickey Shuffle, and the right way to order chili (a 5-Way with double onions). Might have red hair. Enjoys watching football, even if it’s not the Bengals.

Dating Pet Peeves: Constantly assuring her mother she doesn’t need help finding a husband; being set up with douchey anesthesiologists named Jeff.

Katie has been a Bengals fan since before her first words (Sky … line). Her last boyfriend “didn’t like football very much” (his words) — she “didn’t like him very much” (her words). When the Bengals drafted Carson Palmer, Katie bought a Carson Palmer jersey and wore it with an Abercrombie jean skirt. When the Bengals drafted Andy Dalton, she bought an Andy Dalton jersey, which she wears with PINK sweatpants. She’ll wear her Dalton jersey until he retires … or until the Bengals are helmed by another satisfactory white quarterback. Katie feels very strongly that the Bengals have the “cutest” uniforms in sports (she likes the stripes).

Katie is a vocal defender of Andy Dalton. Even though she knows he isn’t as good as Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady, she thinks he’s more than adequate and thinks it’s “mean” when people make jokes about his talents. She astutely points out that Andy Dalton is better than anyone the Browns have had over the last 16 years.

Katie’s favorite TV show is Friends. Katie smacks her gum and is insulted when men underestimate her sports IQ. Katie punctuates sentences about things she disapproves of with the word “barf,” e.g., “That guy who just asked for my number was a Steelers fan … barf.” She ignores the perplexed looks she receives when she remarks that a corner is giving a receiver too much cushion. She thinks Cincinnati was portrayed unfairly in the movie Traffic. She’s generally disappointed by other Bengals fans.

Sarah

Favorite Team: Cleveland Browns

Biggest Turn-Off: The sound of Chuck Booms’ voice

Perfect Date Night: Pizza, wine, and sweatpants. Netflix and chill, basically. But actually Netflix and chill.

Ideal Man: Looks like Kevin Love. Makes her laugh like Jimmy Fallon.

Sarah grew up on the west side of Cleveland, but would be totally open to dating a east sider, if she met the right one. She currently lives downtown in the Warehouse District and spends her time spinning in Hingetown, eating in Tremont, and barhopping like nobody’s business in Ohio City. Sarah is always, always up for a girls night out. One time, Joe Haden waved to her at Barley House.

Sarah doesn’t recall ever choosing to be a Browns fan, she was just raised that way. She suspects her two older brothers probably had a lot to do with it. She got her first Bernie Kosar jersey when she was six years old, and remembers seeing her dad cry the day the Browns left for Baltimore. Sarah knows how to plan an entire outfit around a necklace made of buckeyes or dog bones, depending on the day. Her parents tried to get her into cheerleading when she was younger, but it didn’t take. She has a cat named Boobie Gibson, but only because her apartment building doesn’t allow dogs.

Sarah can’t stand bros in the Muni Lot who try to play catch with 100 people walking between them. Sarah’s mom doesn’t like how often she uses the F-word. She couldn’t get through Breaking Bad because it was too emotionally draining. She’s perpetually 15 minutes late but likes to think it’s charming. She’s seemingly always on a strict diet and exercise regiment, but is always the first person to suggest pizza when leaving the bar. She started doing yoga last year. She’s still bitter that the Browns didn’t draft Julio Jones. She often jokes that Joe Thomas is the most reliable man in her life (well, half-jokes). If Sarah looks familiar, it’s because you might have seen her on Tinder. Or maybe Hinge. Possibly Bumble or Coffee Meets Bagel. She’s an optimist, people. After all, she is a Browns fan.

Nick

Favorite Team: Cleveland Browns

Greatest Achievement: Rejecting Bengals running back Jeremy Hill from the Dawg Pound after his touchdown in December 2014.

Can’t Live Without: His Bernie Kosar autographed Browns toboggan cap.

Perfect Date Night: Dinner in Lakewood. Drinks in Lakewood. Basically just hanging out in Lakewood.

Ideal Woman: Likes Great Lakes Brewing Company’s Burning River. Doesn’t hate Cleveland sports talk radio.

Hobbies: Starting “asshole” chants, demanding that coaches be fired, taking pictures of his balls with his friends’ cell phones.

Nick used to tailgate at 6 a.m. with the hardcores, but now that he’s “old” (i.e. 28), he usually selects his tailgate location with the ultimate goal of avoiding traffic. He might reevaluate this strategy if the Browns are ever good. He’s slightly ashamed of the Jeff Garcia jersey he still wears on some game days, but he’s too cheap to buy a new one. Nick thought about leaving Cleveland a few times after college, but moving seemed like too much of a hassle. He had In-N-Out Burger once — he prefers Swensons.

Nick is convinced that the Browns would have won the 2007 Super Bowl had they made the playoffs (he still curses Jim Sorgi’s name for losing to the Tennessee Titans in the regular season finale). He thinks Han Solo shot first … and was right to do so. Nick has a framed Reservoir Dogs poster in his apartment. Despite his best efforts, Nick is a good friend. He takes great pride in his grilling skills.

He likes the Browns elf, and doesn’t understand why he isn’t featured on more merchandise than the helmet logo. He’s certain that his dog (“Slaughter”) understands him more than any girlfriend ever has, which is fine with him. He’s utterly unable to resist the impulse to share his opinion on who should be the Browns starting quarterback. He’s changed his mind no less than eight times already this season. He hates Tom Brady. In college he once urinated himself after setting the house record for the length of a keg stand.

Nick’s most prized possession is his beard, even though it’s quite patchy. He likes Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train” a little too much. Though Nick roots for the Cavs, he doesn’t like the NBA much (they shoot too many free throws and only the last two minutes “matter”). He still thinks Colt McCoy never had a fair chance to keep the starting job. Nick and his best friend have a pact to travel to the Super Bowl together if the Browns ever go. (He already spent the money he had saved for it on a new sectional.) Despite his best efforts, Nick is a good friend. With a little psychiatric reflection, he’d probably realize that he only follows the Browns so devoutly because it’s the only thing that he and his old man bonded over. He hopes his future wife understands.