On Thursday night the Cleveland Browns will pay visit to the Cincinnati Bengals, and you, America, will be watching — because it’s the only professional football game on television that night. Sure, there are a couple middle-of-the-road college football games and Thunder-Bulls in the NBA to compete against it. But you’ll be watching — because you probably have Andy Dalton on your fantasy team, and because The National Football League is an unstoppable capitalist killing machine that crushes all other television programming in its path.
The Browns don’t spend a lot of time on national television, but one doesn’t see a lot of nationally televised dumpster fires, either. So it makes sense. If you’re from outside Cleveland, it’s likely been a while since you voluntarily watched the Browns for enough time to fill an NFL Red Zone highlight. And if that’s the case, you may be asking yourself, “How do I properly enjoy a Cleveland Browns game?” and, “Is it always this awful?” We answer each of those questions in kind with, “You don’t — you merely survive,” and, “Yes, yes it is.”
But we’re here to help. There are things America should know before tuning into the Browns-Bengals game on Thursday, which is why we’ve prepared this handy guide for watching the game. It’ll also be helpful for Browns and Bengals fans to review some of the finer points in the glossary, and to help supplement the things we’ve missed in the comments and on Twitter. So, grab a Dortmunder1 and get ready, America. Welcome to the Dawg Pound.2
Ohio
This entry is mostly for the coastal folks who know there are two oceans on each side of the country and are vaguely aware of some stuff in the middle. Ohio is one of the United States of America. Ohio is in the middle (more or less). Yes, there is a lot of corn. There are also plenty of urban areas, and if you don’t believe us we’d love to take you to visit Youngstown, Ohio, sometime.
Cleveland
Yes, LeBron James lives in Cleveland (kind of).3 Yes, we’re really Browns fans. No, we haven’t won a championship in a few years. Funny you should ask — someone should make a website about that.
Cincinnati
Cleveland is in Northeast Ohio, while Cincinnati is in Southwest Ohio. It’s spelled weird (WHY ARE THERE NOT TWO T’s AND ONLY ONE N????). There will be a commercial break during Thursday night’s broadcast where they’ll show someone heaping “Cincinnati chili” onto a plate. It’s coney sauce dumped on spaghetti. No, we don’t “get” it. No one does. Riots are their Olympics. Oh yeah, the game is being played there, too.
“The Battle of Ohio”
This tagline isn’t memorializing some tide-turning William Tecumseh Sherman victory during the Civil War,4 but rather a nickname for the semiannual Browns-Bengals matchups. While legitimately a rivalry, The Battle of Ohio is sincerely the least poisonous grudge match in the whole AFC North. But it sounds neat and makes for great TV promos!
Josh McCown
Joshua Gunter/NEOMG
Thirty-six-year-old Josh McCown is what you’d call a “journeyman” quarterback, as the Browns are the seventh team he’s played for in his 13-year career. It makes perfect sense that McCown now plays for the Browns, a team that changes quarterbacks more frequently than most people change their Brita filters.
But the guy tries, damn it. You know that Bruce Willis movie Unbreakable? That is basically Josh McCown. He runs into walls. He helicopters better than Petey Pablo. He gets flattened at least three times a game. And here’s the thing: He always gets back up. No, he doesn’t always get a back-up. Dude gets back on his feet and back out there. Again and again.
In an unrelated story, he almost died the last time the Browns played. So it doesn’t look like McCown play on Thursday night. This is a real shame, because he has a spectacular chin.
Johnny Manziel
Danny Wild-USA TODAY Sports
The near-death of Josh McCown last Sunday means Johnny Manziel will start at quarterback Thursday night. Because Johnny had some legitimate fame before being drafted by the Browns (he won the Heisman, had a famously boastful touchdown celebration, and made for good TMZ fodder), you’re probably more acquainted with Manziel than you are some of the finer nuances of Browns fandom. There isn’t much to be said about Johnny Manziel that hasn’t already been covered by basically everyone: Drinking, parties, money signs, swans, more money signs, rehab, more drinking, and a roadside domestic “incident.” Remind yourself that we’re not even talking about football yet. It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it?
You’re allowed to just say “I literally can’t even” at this point with Manziel. It’s okay. As WFNY’s Scott pointed out earlier this week, Manziel will be making his second start of the season in a nationally televised game … against an undefeated divisional opponent. Good God, America, the stars are aligning for something magical … and by magical, we mean catastrophic. But none of this stops Browns fans from bellowing “JOHNNNNNNYYYYYYY” like an elk looking to mate in the Yukon wilderness at every opportunity.
Mike Pettine
Mark Duncan/AP
Mike Pettine is the head coach for the Cleveland Browns. He looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Even though Thursday’s game is at night, there is a 65 percent chance Mike Pettine will be wearing sunglasses.
His facial expression rarely deviates from a slight frown. His emotions appear to oscillate between mildly annoyed and greatly perturbed — as if opening the kids’ bedroom door for the third time in an hour to tell them to stop jumping on the bed. We suspect he has elevated blood pressure from suppressing his anger. (Serenity now!!!) If he ever loses his cool on the sideline, he generally has Dwayne Bowe nearby to help him calm down. Mike Pettine will do a great job as the defensive coordinator for the Tennessee Titans next season.
Dwayne Bowe
You might be asking yourself, “Who?” The simplest way to explain Dwayne Bowe is this: You know that guy in your office that makes a lot of money but seems to essentially do nothing? That is Dwayne Bowe. He signed a two-year contract worth a guaranteed $9 million, and has proceeded to be inactive for most of the Browns’ season thus far.
Limited by a nagging a hamstring injury (we’re told), Bowe has appeared in three games — and has yet to catch a pass. In Sunday’s loss to the Arizona Cardinals, Bowe dressed for the first time in four weeks — and then did very little anyway. Enjoy the photo of Bowe above, modeling the Browns’ new uniform? That’s about the most action he’s seen this season. Which is a shame, because the Browns could really use the help at receiver. Coach Pettine has to have been tempted to ask Bowe the following:
Joe Thomas
Mark Duncan/Associated Press
Joe Thomas plays left tackle for the Browns. He is universally considered one of the best players at his position, or even at any position. Since he was drafted in 2007, Thomas has been the most reliable thing in Cleveland besides lake effect snow. The Browns considered trading him this week.
Tight end Gary Barnidge has surprisingly become the Browns best player this season, gaining over 500 yards receiving and scoring a legitimately impressive six touchdowns. If you have any Browns-fan friends, you may receive the above text message if Barnidge does something cool during the game. An emoji that kind of looks like a barn, and an emoji that kind of looks like a bridge? Barn + bridge=Barnidge? Get it? Yeah, it’s stupid. But give us a break, we’re barely clutching onto our sanity here. Also, Gary Barnidge is really frikkin’ cool.
Travis Coons & Andy Lee
Travis Coons and Andy Lee are the Browns kicker and punter, respectively. Together, they’re basically the team MVP. It’s not so much that Coons is really that good at kicking field goals (though he is 14-of-14 on field goals this season, he’s no Phil Dawson), or that Andy Lee is that good at punting (though he fifth in the NFL in yards per punt), it’s just that the Browns do a lot of kicking and punting. On the rare occasion that we manage to drive down the field, the Browns rarely capitalize. Instead, we do our best to put the foot in football, and kick it as much as possible. Just wait for that significant fourth-and-2. Settling! Missed opportunities! It’s what the Browns DO! You’ll see.
The Color Orange
There are few things that Browns fans and Bengals fans can agree on, but that football uniforms should incorporate the color orange is one of them. Yes, the Browns’ nickname is “Browns,” but they’re helmets are orange. There’s kind of a story there, but it’s probably not worth going into now. Yes, the franchise changed the orange from last season to a new orange, but the new orange is … you know what, let’s just say you’ll see a lot of orange on Thursday night and leave it at that.
Paul Brown
The Cleveland Browns are named after their first coach, Paul Brown, who later helped found the Cincinnati Bengals, who he then coached and managed. Brown’s son, Mike, is still owner, president, and general manager of the Bengals. Is it a little weird and incestuous that Paul Brown coached the Browns and Bengals, and that both teams play each other twice a year despite surviving genetic ties to Paul Brown? Yea, now that you mention it, it kind of is. Let’s move on before we dwell on this much longer.
Alcohol
Watch the game in a place with an abundant supply. Use as needed.5 Repeat.6 Maybe plan on calling in sick on Friday.
Tackling
Don’t expect to see much of this on Thursday, at least while the Browns are on defense. Despite spending a lot of money on their defense and drafting a defensive tackle with their first pick in the 2015 draft, the Browns have conceded the most rushing yards of any team in the NFL. Go ahead and mock them. But what do you know about tackling NFL running backs, huh??? Seriously, though, what do you know? Could you tell our defense?
Concussions
Approximately 11 Browns are missing Thursday night’s game because of a concussion. Based on our information, none of the concussions were caused by violent face palms after a McCown interception.
Penalties
Doug Pensinger/Getty Images
Every football fan is familiar with penalties: infractions that a game official signals by heaving a paper weight wrapped in a yellow flag. (Which is quite silly when he’s going to need to pick it up again.) The NFL has some widespread officiating problems unrelated to the Cleveland Browns (all together now: “It’s not our fault! It’s not our fault!”), so you may be thinking that you’re already conditioned to see a high volume of penalties.
Well, you’re wrong. Think of the number of penalties that would put a game on the threshold of watchability. Now add five … and multiply that by four. That’s how many penalties will be in Thursday night’s game.
As a bonus, once the Browns offense show signs of life that make one think, “Hey, maybe they don’t suck?” there will be a false start or a holding penalty that sabotages the drive, or an illegal contact penalty that extends a drive after the opposing team throws an incomplete pass on third-and-15. We promise this will happen. Probably more than once. The Browns unofficially lead the league in drive-killing or drive-sustaining penalties since 1999 by approximately 150. We call them “ball-busters.”
We’re Sorry
We send our deepest condolences to America for having to endure such a lousy game to start your weekend. But, remember this: After tonight, you only have to watch the Cleveland Browns one more time this season (when they play the Baltimore Ravens on Monday Night Football). For us, this is eternity.
- Great Lakes Brewing Company brews a beer called Dortmunder Gold. It’s delicious, and I presume God himself’s lager of choice.
- What used to be a notoriously rowdy section in Cleveland Municipal Stadium, which has since been re-purposed for the entire fan base. #BrandControl
- Baby steps, folks. James lives in Bath Township, and is from Akron, Ohio. Cleveland is close enough for now.
- Although the “Battle for Ohio” is an uncommon name for some post-American Revolutionary War skirmishes to take control of what was then part of the Northwest Territory. It involved someone named General “Mad” Anthony Wayne.
- Readers over 21.
- In moderation.